2020 Taught Me

As we begin the second month of 2021, I reflect on the the year 2020.  For me personally, 2020 was a year of learning and growing. These past few years have been a learning experience like no other.  Here is a list of things 2020 taught me….

Its okay to say no…saying no shouldn’t tarnish relationships🚫

Speak my mind…don’t spare feelings because the same feeling I spare don’t spare mine📢

Be present…in everything even the smallest details🔎

It’s okay to be kind…don’t let this world change my heart ❤

Its okay to set and stick to boundaries…if I lose relationships 🤷🏾‍♀️

Family is what makes me rich 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Cooking at home not only saves, but its healthier, taste better, and its therapeutic 🥪

People are important to me.  I do not want to the the last man standing🦵🏿

Everyone is battling something, even if they smile everyday. Some people just carry their burdens well💯

Fasting is a way of life 🙌

Love is a beautiful thing when done right ✅

Everything happens for a reason and within the right time ✨

Don’t be afraid to do the impossible⚡

Believe what I see, don’t create another image based on feelings or lack 🤡

Get dressed for the day regardless of plans👗

Working out is essential to my health 🏋🏾‍♂️

Enjoy alone time. One day it just may be me.

Children have feelings too👧🏾

Time heals all💔

How people view me is a reflection of them.  I am not responsible for someone else’s image of me rather good or bad 😇😈

Its people who genuinely love me😻

Its people who genuinely hate me 😾

Genuine happiness and gratefulness  brings a lot of peace 🤑

God is truly real. Not the main stream tv version, but the Most High is weeding out his true believers😇

I have amazing friends 💅

Animals are more civilized than people 🙉

People cut down trees (oxygen) to live, and put on mask to not die😒

Most of the history I was taught is a lie🤯

Culture hijacking is a real thing 🙀

The US cannot thrive economically without racism🤔

People will destroy everything and anything we don’t understand 💯

Fear will have me not making moves 😬

Just do it ✔

Day drinker🍷

Day smokers🌿

It always works out exactly how its supposed to 🌞

Doing my own work is essential🆗️

Covid-19 is the real MVP🏅

Its okay to not be okay🎭

Letting go is what brings peace ☮

Love myself. Love brings healing 💘

Oh and one more thing 2020 taught me: most black people are the true Native Americans, and not decendants of African slaves🤯

Respect 🙌

Honor 🎖

Peace ☮

Love 💖

Happiness 😊

Politics

Am I the only one confused about these political ads that has been bombarding the TV commercials lately?  With the election right around the corner, I really do not know how anyone can expect to make a sound, informed voter’s choice based on any of the information, well lack there of, given.  Prior to election year, you do not know anything about the people in office, who is running, or what seat they are running for. I know one thing for sure, my neighborhood remains the same. The neighborhoods around my neighborhood remains the same. The schools in my neighborhood, and surrounding neighborhoods remains the same. The city in which I reside remains the same.  Regardless of who is in office.  It has been this way for years. 

I often hear, “things will get better once Trump is out of office,” or “things were better when such and such was in office.”  My questions always remain the same… When? How? I could never get a straight answer.  What was different when any person was in office?   When did your community thrive?  Crickets…

Listening to these “political ads” is even more confusing.  Each politician tells you what the other person is doing that is harmful for you first.  By the time the ad is over, all you will know is what their opponent didn’t do on one issue, what they “will” do for that one issue, but never tell you what the plan is for my community?   For example, I have lived in two parts of one city. My children have gone to two different schools in the same exact district, the same city, just a different zip code, but two completely different experiences with the schools. 

One zip code, I can say is for people with money.  Rent is in the 1,000s, no hoopties, grocery stores galore, minutes from literally everything.  The school had a picnic which was grilled hamburgers, hotdogs, fresh fruit, fresh veggies, jump ropes, hula hoops, everything.  I mean everything.  The bus even went inside the different apartment buildings and picked the kids up in front of their building door.  Field day was outside on the field with real kickballs, water guns, baseballs and bats, bubbles, jump rings, I mean the whole nine yards. Picture day came around. I paid 25 dollars and got the big picture, wallets, 4×6 pictures and Keychain pictures.  Literally everything was in the picture packet. The homework packets were more detailed, the curriculum was more advanced.

Fast forward to the following school year, I moved to another apartment in the same city because it was more affordable.  I literally moved 5 miles downward. The schools are in the same city, same district, and not even 5 miles apart. Totally different experience.  The curriculum was not half as challenging, the field days were mostly indoors, the picnics were indoors as well as always consisted of pizza parties or snack parties.  The library was littered with pictures of Obama, Michelle, and Beyonce.  I bought the same 25-dollar package from the school and it was literally a big picture and a sheet of wallets.  There is no grocery store within 2 miles of either direction. There is a Family Dollar, Popeyes, 7-11, Chinese, and Arabian store.  Let us not talk about the potholes.  That is a whole different conversation.   

Now my question is how can two different neighborhoods, two different schools, same city, same district, not even 5 miles apart can be drastically different?  Now I know it is said that you must move to certain areas to get a proper education, but I pay taxes.  I am sure the people pay taxes in that neighborhood as well.  Why are the schools and neighborhoods not the same?   When the tax bill comes out, it says City of… not zip code of…

I never see any of the politicians in my neighborhood.  Even in those “better” neighborhoods.  How come no one ever asks us what we, as the people, want?  We are expected to vote for someone that we have no clue about, to represent us about issues that they do not share.  Most of the time the laws to change are not even known until the day of.  In fact, what are the issues they even stand on, besides being anti whoever they are opposing? It is so confusing, and a huge task to ask someone to go vote for representation.  Especially when the representation does not live in the same zip code, is not even in the same tax bracket, or have the same concerns for the future of our children.  While the politicians get cushy offices, lucrative pay, and the best medical and dental package etc.,  Yet, majority of the people that is required to vote live below the poverty, are improperly or undereducated, and most worry about the future generations.  Most of the people that are called on and targeted to vote are the same people that lives paycheck to paycheck.  I am not speaking just about race, or economics I am speaking for all people who are just as confused as I am.

This push to vote out old government to have them replaced with new people every four years is the very definition of insanity.  We are talking about a system that is corrupt to the core.  The system was corrupt from day one.  Day one of the pilgrimage.  The system was stolen from the Indians, the land was stolen from the Indians, and everything after their arrival has since been death, famine, thievery, and more death.  From wars to slavery to prison.  Nothing on this great “American Land” is of good nature except nature.

The very people that this country has killed, stolen from, and lied to are expected to vote to basically have more rights violated.  To listen to more lies being told.  To live in this illusion that anyone of the people sitting in those seats are for anyone other than themselves.  Especially those people of color. 

Politics are more divisive than anything else.  If you are republican, you are a racist.  If you are a democrat, you are a liberal.  If you a third party, you are nonexistent.  You really must do research on who is running.  But time has shown us, regardless of who is running or who wins, there are little changes to the people whose “vote” seems to matter the most.  Its easy to make empty promises to get into office.  The hard part is keeping those promises to the people.  Beautiful words appease the ear.  Beautiful actions appease the eyes.  The eyes are the window to the soul.  Let us demand action.  Not for corporate greed, but for our future seeds. 

Truth

You ever wonder about the things we are taught, and why we were taught them, over and over. I know I do. Maybe you have the same burning questions as me. So, let’s talk….

Truth according to Merriam Webster:

(1): the body of real things, events, and facts : ACTUALITY(2): the state of being the case : FACT(3)often capitalized : a transcendent fundamental or spiritual reality: a judgment, proposition, or idea that is true or accepted as true truths of thermodynamicsc: the body of true statements and propositions.

Truth: I was taught that the truth will set you free…but does it really?  Sometimes the truth sets your soul on fire and makes you want to burn the house down to the ground.  Especially a truth you believed whole heartedly, you come to find out didn’t exist.  The truth can leave you hurting and just as confused as a lie. Eventually, it will wear off, but I can understand why people lie. Lies kill, but learning the truth after a lie is just as painful. Not only for one just, but everybody involved.

Now that I am truly living a more authentic life, I’m not so sure what the truth is anymore.  I thought I was ready for the great awakening. I thought it would be sunshines, yoga, eating right, and happiness all the time. Hahaha…yeah right. Its actually…a whole healing process. Literally. It has brought up old wounds for healing, allowed me to see my own toxic behavior, and showed me I need a lot more self care. I’m an emotional wreck majority of the time, and I question EVERYTHING!! Nothing makes sense in this world, but it also brings peace, love, happiness, clarity, and a closer sense of The Most High God. The true God.

The truth is basically what is seen, felt, or perceive as the truth.  For example, I’ve watched the sunrise many times.  I’ve literally watched it go from night to day. I literally watched the sky move with my own eyes. That was my perception. Am I still supposed to believe that we are moving so fast that we don’t feel it on the Earth?   Even though I saw it with my own eyes?  I saw the sun come up over the horizon, I saw the stars move out first, the constellation of Orion was the last stars to leave. The moon stayed until the sun was fully up. They all moved in the opposite direction of where the sun was coming up as if it was pulling it, like a gear shift, working together.  So either I was a lucky person to see us actually moving, or we weren’t moving at all and the sky moves around us. 

Here is my conflict: I just don’t understand, if we are actually standing still, why was it so imperative for us to learn that throughout school?  Why were we even taught about space? I mean I could think of a million other topics that was more useful to us as adults like how to grow food, taxes, credit, parenting, resumes, or honestly anything useful to adulthood, but hey. We spent so much time in school learning things that just aren’t that beneficial. We spent little time on economics, business, speech, or computer classes. 

I was under the impression that I would learn that stuff in college, but that was just an extension of high school to me. Just more busy work in a different format. What else they didn’t explain is college cost on average is 34 ,000.  Once you graduate, you have to get a job to pay that money back. The problem is you can’t get a high paying job unless you have years of experience, experience you didn’t get because you were in college learning the information.   You still end up working a lower paying job to get the  experience, but you still have to live, and you are still responsible for student loans. I have worked in the same building as people who have graduated with a masters degree. I graduated high school with some college. We got the same pay.

Truth: You have to go to college to receive more education in order to live this “American Dream”.  The part they don’t tell you is that majority of the “American  Dream” is actually the distribution of American debt. Instead of taking responsibility of their own debt, it’s spread out amongst the people. We eat it up living a life of luxury. Houses, credit, cars, images. You know, all the stuff that really don’t matter. 

Success. A successful life, a successful family,  and a successful job. How come no one prepares the children for the real live work of all of those?  For example, all the time you will spend at work to make enough for that. Or the amount of time your family will lose from you. Also, who decided the terms of what success looks like anyway? How did they convince the whole world to submit to such  an unrealistic, materialistic lifestyle in the first place? 

What kind of society benefits from this type of arrangement?  It’s almost like we are lab rats. Test studies.  To be honest, we are in an insane asylum when you think about it. We are all conforming to this way of life. We are all expected to be a certain way. If you don’t think, act, and look like everyone else, well hey, its pills for that. Don’t worry, it’s people around you that will make sure you take them.  In a world that we are supposed to accept everyone because we are all different,  there is really no room differences.  We aren’t as accepting as we pretend to be.

Its one way of life. The high life. If your not in the high life, then your “basic.” If you don’t think like everyone else, you are a “conspiracy theoriest” or “crazy.” If you dont dress like everyone else, then you are a “bum.” I thought we were special. We were all individuals. I thought the best part of being an adult was the freedom to be who you are? I wish in 12 years, they didn’t spend so much time creating an illusion.

I can understand why though. Had they told the truth, I don’t believe many people would have strived to finish school. Imagine the first day of school, and your teacher said “Hey welcome to Adulthood 101, you will work I until you are 80, there are no holidays and weekends off. College will put you in more debt. You better either marry well, or invent something to live well, because to live like the Joneses is an illusion. Learning to grow your own food and hunt is the best way to survive. The world is not going to end in 2000. Oh and 2020 will be the most crazy year ever.” Yeah I can understand the lies…. Poor kids will be traumatized.

Service

Its talks with S. B. Neik time. Here is my spill, and I’d love to hear from you.

Who came up with the idea that the customer is always right? What ever happened to good old fashioned customer service? For example, going into an establishment, you get treated well, you treat the server well, you eat good food/receive good service, you pay and you leave? You come back because it created a good memory for you. You tell your friends all about the place and you return?

Now a days customer service has gone down the drain. Its no such thing as good customer service anymore. Not just because of the people who work, but because there are not many good customers anymore. Now its just an illusion of good customer service to keep the flow of customers paying, and to allow these customers to feel like they are in charge of someone. Don’t get me wrong, customer service is important, but where do the line get drawn?

As a server, I love servicing people. I love talking to and making people happy, but the idea that the customer is always right has turned me all the way off from wanting to serve anymore. The tips are great, but the people that is living now… has turned something great into a nightmare. Entitlement is a hell of a drug. Next to heroine. Especially now that money is so abundant, and the internet is here bigger than ever before. Everyone is worried about bad reviews. And will do anything to not receive a bad review. All someone has to do is write a bad review, regardless if its true or not and will get something free or a discount to rectify the situation. Which is not a bad practice. But people literally look for any reason to get a discount or something for free. Especially if its locallly owned. People literally complaining about the price, food/service, or telling you what should change or shouldn’t change, all while simultaneously saying they won’t be back. These are things I’ve seen and heard with my own eyes and ears. Why even say something if you have no intentions of coming back?

This isn’t about who have good food or good service, this is about customers. Regardless of the industry or tax bracket. Its the customers who have complete control over these establishments, based on the fact that customers make the world go around. You pay. Without you, there is no business. I get that. But it still gives you no right to treat people in a crazy way because you had a bad day. You usually win based on the fact that customers are always right. I understand that you pay your money, but you my friends have gotten out of control.

People demand items thats not on the menu, demand services not advertised. Demand respect even when given none. Sometimes I think that customers forget that its a service. You don’t own the people that work there. They are not slaves. They are getting paid for a service. They aren’t prostitutes. To expect someone to go above and beyond while still talking to them any which way, demand a lot of things, and barely tip if at all. This is for you. Those people that tip well usually don’t ask for a lot but a pleasant experience. I can understand that. Its the ones that tip little to nothing, and want everything, even the soul before they leave lol. I mean it’s a joke, but you get my drift.

Understand this. The people that work at these places offering food or any services are real humans with real feelings. So when you go there with a bad attitude, looking to complain just to get something for free, or think that someone is beneath you based on the fact that you are paying, remember you are in the same place as that person, receiving a service. If you feel like someone is beneath you, then you shouldn’t be eating or get serviced by them period. Think about how many bad attitudes that the person has dealt with before you.

A business is to give away so much free stuff just to keep the business going in order to not lose you as a customer. Most of them go above and beyong for you as a customer. And most of the time you go there with the intentions of getting something on a discount or free all together. Even for the smallest inconvenience, or a made up one. Employees are trained that you are always right, even when you are absolutely wrong. When the employee stands up for him or herself, they are reprimanded three times. First by you, then by the manager/employer, and from themselves. Because they have to live in the moment more than once. While you something for free, and still return ready for some more free stuff. That employee is still dealing with it and can possibly lose their job because they spoke up and said you weren’t right. Because most of the time you aren’t. Its just an illision to get you to keep spending money. Its really sad that money has become so powerful that we have lost basic human decency to one another.

Whomever came up with the idea that money makes you great was seriously lacking in many areas in real life.  Money is really a fictional system made from elements that are free from the earth. Yet, we need it to buy other free things from the earth. Like food for example.  A banana is 39 cents a bundle.  A banana tree is up to 39 dollars.  A strawberry plant is 9.99 a plant. You plant it once, it grows continuously during the season, and it comes back each season. Why are we buying them 2 for $5 or $3.99 from the store?  Who exactly is responsible for selling and profiting from nature?  As much as nature provides, it should be no hunger, no homelessness, and no uneducated people.

Money and people make the world go around. What if it just stopped? What if money didn’t exist and we had to get to a more natural way of life? Like if we got to a barter system? Could you survive? If you had to forge for food or water, could you make it? Most of us couldn’t. Think about that next time you get a service. At any moment, your life could change and you could be the server, serving the same person you were nasty to. Don’t get me wrong, everyone loves great customer service. Just make sure you are a great customer. How do you feel about customer service. Are you a good or bad customer? Why? Let me hear what you think.

Farewell

Hey I miss you…but I  know nothing will change. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore…you have enough women in your life that I don’t want to compete with…not anymore. Especially since you talk to me and treat me like an option.

How could you worry about this relationship when you are in 2 or three others?  That’s the best part of having options right?  I really thought we were finding a partner for the both of us, but its just really you keeping your lovers while I be loyal to you. While I serve you. I’m here thirsty…thirsty for your love, thirsty for your attention, thirsty for your approval.    

I know you can find better.  I know you have better.  Maybe that’s what this is all about…maybe you are being prepared for a better life without me. Maybe it’s me that’s being prepared for a life without you.  Who knows?

I love who I have become with you. Maybe thats why I want to hold on to you so badly.  Maybe I tried to hold on to you so much so that I would do anything for you, which is why you don’t respect my presence. And maybe the crazy shit that you say I’m making up, is the universe telling me its time to let you go. As sad as it may be, as hurtful as this may be, I’m still so grateful for you.

I’ve found my value. I dont hate you, I just know that we want two different things.  I can’t give you what you want and you can’t give me what I want. Even though I want to so badly. Its just the energy is not recuperated. Eventually, all we will do is break one another down.  Like we haven’t done that already enough.  You know I tried to cry about it? I couldn’t find the tears. You know I wanted to fight about it? I just couldn’t find the strength. I’m not sure where we are, and what we doing but its not a we thing. 

It’s me against everyone for you.  While I’m fighting everyone for you, you are fighting me in order to carry everyone except me. Your lovers, your family, your friends, strangers, anyone or anything else… except me. I’ve made a complete mess of my life, while piecing together yours. I fight for you,  you let everyone fight me, while you fight me for fighting back against your team.  That just shows how you see me. In retrospect…Thats the most hurtful part.  We are already fighting everyone to be together. I feel like I’m fighting the world for you, but you are leaving me to hang high and dry.

You think it’s all about money, but I am not for sale.  It will not make me stay.   I have my own great future ahead.  Even my present is beautiful.  This journey is so humbling.  I thought we were building our future.   I feel I am on my own. You can say I’m using you to get by, but the reality is, I want nothing from you but for you to be you. I also , when needed, need you to be there for me. I’m tired of being strong all the t I me. Ask me how my day was. Bring me flowers sometimes, rub my feet when they are aching, call me just to say you were thinking about me. Am I asking for too much…? 

I know you may be wondering what I will do right?  Shidd, I will cook, clean, talk to you when you need, surprise you with gifts, make homeade cards, anything you want me to do. And when you treat me like I’m important, give me what I need, I will bless you in more ways than one. You know what I am willing to do for you.  Maybe that’s just it…maybe I’m doing too much based on a possibility or is it your potential?  A possibility that you have the potential to be the man for me. What of you aren’t the man for me?  What if you are?  You see the confusion? 

I relaize that I’m the stupid person in this situation.  I was  preparing for the future.  You are my future.  You are all that I see….I stopped looking. My search is over.  You are it. Why is it so difficult to love me?  I know these words don’t matter. Probably never did. Now our worlds are too far apart. I really do wish you find the perfect woman for you.

I thought it was me but now I see. I’m just another notch under your belt.  I’m not going to send this. I know I just wasted my time.  I guess I needed closure for myself. No more you and me. Its just you. Its just me.  We just can’t be.  Not like this.  I just cant run the risk of letting my guard down, only for you to take a piss on my everything.  Because its apparent you don’t care about my feelings. Maybe you do, just not in the way I need from you. I’m just a servant of yours. I serve you while you serve everyone but me.  Not as a true queen, just someone you can go in between, but have no respect for. Who can blame you though… I had no respect for myself. In return, I opened the door for the disrespect from others. Life is already hard enough.

Yet, here I am with another paragraph of nothing more than me putting my feelings in the air. Will you listen? This time? Or will you find a way to throw it back at me to excuse your behavior. I know you don’t care because nothing changes, except me. I change. I adjust. I shut down how I feel to acknowledge your feelings. I even rationalize your behavior, finding excuses to keep you around. Only you matter. I forget.

I know I’m just another notch under your belt.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to send this. I know I just wasted my time.  I guess I needed closure for myself. I guess we will find each other next lifetime.

WTF?!

That’s what I find myself saying all day, especially recently. I’m not sure if it’s the quarantine, or if I have opened myself up to a world I was closed off to. I just know that I am constantly scratching my head with all these questions about the reality I see. Which is even more confusing.

I’ve seen army military commercials recruiting for an alien invasion…we are quarantined due to corona virus. People are testing positive for a 14-day incubation virus overnight, schools are closed, small minority businesses have been shut down. Its fires everywhere, storms brewing and flooding in many areas, volcanos erupting, earthquakes, Kobe died, even Boosie and Webbie beefing.  We are wearing mask in banks.  Like WTF?!? Is going on? I mean I know it’s not just me right?

To add to the craziness of the world, all the craziness that’s going on in my noggin. What career path to take, homeschooling is a job, being a housewife is a job, having a family, co parenting, parenting are all jobs I need to add to my resume. My brain is on overload trying to decipher when to worry and when not to worry. When to react when not to react.

My life was just passing me by because I had given my power away.  I was letting everyone live my life for me.  I was letting everyone else make decisions for me. I would allow this just to avoid conflict, and also I was a people pleaser.  Not because I was afraid of anyone, but because most of the time I live in my head.  I’m constantly rationalizing every action, or reaction I should make. When people are rude and disrespectful, in my head I’ve already killed you. But I really have to fight those demon thoughts and emotions so I smile and don’t say anything and keep it moving.  What if I do kill you or you kill me? Two lives lost for nothing, well for respect.  That’s why its important to be kind to people that is nice and smiling.  Those people carry a lot to be that way.  You never know what’s behind that smile.  I know if I allowed you to disrespect me in the past, just consider yourself lucky….it’ll never happen again.   I’m older, more wise, over the people pleasing, and caring what people think.  Most of all I have bail money.

My universe is on fire and I am the one with the flames…

Learning ,well actually, relearning everything I was taught while teaching my kids all I know is the most conflicting time because I am fighting to release the old while being open, grateful, and receptive to the new. 

Everything is in flames because I set the fire. I had to let go of my old child-like ways of thinking and rebuild my whole world.  That’s what life will do to you.  A mental, physical, and spiritual kind of burn.  What started as journey for the truth, turned into a journey of self discovery. I’ll admit, it is not what I have expected. At all. It has not been a beautiful, colorful world of butterflies, sunshine, rainbows and flowers. In fact, it has been the complete opposite of what I envisioned. Healing is a hell of a process.  I found myself crying more than ever and not just in private. Its actually kind of embarrassing. Its almost like I turned into a newborn.  My old self was dying, but my new self wasn’t fully formed. Man I was all over the place…I truly needed  guidance. But I was alone because the journey is mine.

Right now I’m just moving…

See, I saw my end result. I thought it was a promotion at work (that I didn’t get by the way) but I didn’t realize it was a far bigger plan to interpret.  Still is! I was solely focused on the end result that I forgot to live in the moment and enjoy the process. I woke up one day like gurl WTF?!? Is you doing?

Needless to say, I left that job and got another and another only to put my all into it. It just didn’t produce enough for me. You know, enough zero’s on the ends of my checks, enough individual/couple/kid/family vacations, enough investment lands, enough stocks, just land in general. I was putting all of my energy into jobs for a paycheck, just to pay it all back in bills, taxes, and school. It’s like working for free for real. I didn’t realize that the work I have to do is more personal. 

Right now I am transforming…

I am healing from my past trauma.  I realize that I am my own worst enemy.  So please bare with me as I open and unload these bags.   I’m tired of carrying all of these emotions, feelings, and trauma.  It’s weighing me down.  Its also crazy to spill all my feelings out in the air. But what else am I supposed to do? Miss my bus? Wait for someone to save me? 

Corona has taught me a lot. Its time I take my life back from everyone and everything that devalues, disrespects, degrades, and distracts me from my true purpose and calling.  I’m done with the old facets of who I was.  I’m embracing who I am.  I’m finding my voice. I’m listening to my intuition. I’m living to the beat of my own drum. My life is for me not anyone else. 

Welcome

The greatest thing in the world is living a happy and fulfilled life, but the even more tremendous gift is sharing that great gift with many people. Especially now, in this confusing time that we are all living through. The world is changing around everyone, and I can admit, I am pretty taken aback by the things that I see, not of the world but myself. To see the path that has been laid in front of me, to envision me completing all of the goals I have set for myself, is pretty daunting. I have a pretty high bar for myself, and now I am paralyzed. I have not felt so much agony about anything. Fear is my worst demon next to sex. Because not only does it stay there and create other fears, it prevents me from doing the work that I am required to do, and I am robbing myself of the future that I am destined to complete. I have realized that I am my own worst enemy.
I would pick up my notebook to write but find myself distracting myself not do it. I can say it’s my family or my job, but the reality is, it has always been me stopping me. And what am I so afraid of? Failure? People’s opinions? Success? I don’t even know. Maybe it is all of those. It’s just crazy that I am afraid to do what has always been in me. Knowing it is my destiny.

As I work to capture audiences, I want to do it honestly. I don’t want to pretend to be something that I am not to get the audience. I can’t keep up with the facades. I don’t want to sell my soul for the pleasures of this world. I want to get back to the original Creator of this world. Simple life. Nature. Peace. I want to be as honest as possible with my words and stories because words are powerful. They can be either be powerful blessings or powerful curses. I believe that the dishonest words in our history have created the many curses of today. So if I could use my words to create powerful blessings for myself and the people around me, I will. The only way I can make good in the world without compromising my or anyone who reads my words’ soul is honesty. Honesty starts with self first.
As I work to remove those old facets of self, like placing the value of myself based on how other people see and treat me, I treat myself accordingly. What is my worth? Outside of my roles as a woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, etc., how do I find my value? Is it placed on my job? Or is it the kind of car I drive? Or how much money am I making?
Why can’t I be valuable for me? Without all these worldly possessions? Why do these clothes and shoes dictate my value? Why does that value dictate how much respect is to be given?
These are some of the burning questions I have that I just can’t shake. Read, learn, and grow with me. As I share my journey with me, I will share my journey with you. As we become one on this journey. Destination: Freedom…Free from fear, free from perfection, free from masks, free from illusions, and free from lies.
A free mind, a free body, and a free soul. Live in nature. Glow in love. Wallow in laughter. Sleep in peace.
Welcome to the crazy magical world of SB Neik!

Follow me on Instagram: mystic_soul_71 for the song of the day!!!

Reflection

Reflecting on my life, I am very grateful and proud of my life so far. I have a superpower! From the start to now, my life has motivated me. It has taught me that I can do anything that I put my mind to and succeed. A superpower I did not know I had until now. I do not open up to quickly to people, especially about personal things. So the idea of honestly sharing my life experience is a terrifying thing, but this seed has been planted by the Most High. I have redefined my relationship with self, relationships, friendships, family, and most importantly, spiritually. So I was hoping you could be patient with me as I work this out.  

This blog is for something far more significant than my life. I have no idea what it is now, but it is crucial to my purpose. I have had this vision for a while, but I just kept running from it. I am not sure if it’s the fear of being so open to the public, fear of success, or failure. Come to think of it; it’s the vulnerability.  I am not sure. Sometimes it is my procrastination. I just knew for a while now that I need to be writing and communicating with people. I just kept running and keeping myself busy to avoid the actual work I am supposed to be doing. I have run so much that I have run full circle, literally. Now I am here.

People on the internet can be vicious simply because it is easy to type things behind a phone or keyboard. Things I know people wouldn’t tell anyone to their face. I have even participated in my share, but I learned my lesson. I am not here for the nonsense though. Reflecting on my life, I would love to talk to my younger self.

If I could have a chance to give my younger self some advice, it would be to Live. Live as much as possible. Listen to your intuition. Make those stupid decisions. Enjoy life as much as you can for yourself. We all have a life to live. Your life is for you. Always be you!! All those good and bad decisions will shape your life. The most ultimate part of your life is that you will touch and affect so many lives in so many ways because of who you are, you may not physically see it, but the effects will be tremendous. So live and enjoy life—practice gratefulness. Do not stress over other people’s concerns. Do not chase money or love. Drink plenty of water. Workout Daily. Pray. Slow down. Enjoy all of life, the good and the bad. Both will shape your beautiful future.  

I’m sure I’d say that, but I’m also sure my younger self still might not listen, lol. At some point or another, I’m sure someone told me all of these things. It was me. I thought I had it all figured out, you know. I thought I had all the answers.

I now know that I didn’t know and still don’t know anything at all. Life is a slow journey. Not a quick destination. I have been running fast for a long time. Now that I have slowed down, I realize that I was moving unconsciously.

I have learned that all of my life experiences brought me to the woman I am today. Had I not made all those bad decisions earlier in life, I would be making them now. I couldn’t imagine making those bad decisions now because I have way more to lose. 

What I didn’t know is the things I was chasing were already mine. They would be presented to me when it is time for me to have them. I was rushing, wanting everything right now. Rushing is what caused most of my issues. Rushing, not knowing I wasn’t ready for those things I was chasing at the time.

I don’t have it all together. I am all over the place, but I love it here. It’s the beauty of living. I may not have been in perfect alignment, but who I am today worth all those bad decisions. Not all of my choices were bad. I am very proud of some of the decisions I was making at such an early age.

I am changing daily. Every day brings a new experience in life. I can have an experience today that can change my perspective, even if it’s something that I have been doing my entire life. Each day provides a chance to grow, learn, live, and laugh. That is the beauty of the present—the greatest gift of all.

My ultimate goal is peace and happiness. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. I find myself wanting those things more and more. If my younger self wouldn’t listen to the advice of my younger self, I still have a chance to live that way now. I know my child self is still in here. I need her to know: Thank you for being you!! It was your strength that has groomed me into this magical woman that we have become. It’s never too late to live a different life. I may have outgrown some of the things that we did as a youth, but I outgrew you. You are a part of me, and I am a part of you. Together we will get through!!

Be grateful. Love hard. Learn daily—practice mindfulness. Until next time.

Check out my Instagram for my song of the day: mystic_soul_71😘