Farewell, My Love

Hey I miss you…but I  know nothing will change. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore…you have enough women in your life that I don’t want to compete with…not anymore. Especially since you talk to me and treat me like an option.

How could you worry about this relationship when you are in 2 or three others?  That’s the best part of having options right?  I really thought we were finding a partner for the both of us, but its just really you keeping your lovers while I be loyal to you. While I serve you. I’m here thirsty…thirsty for your love, thirsty for your attention, thirsty for your approval.    

I know you can find better.  I know you have better.  Maybe that’s what this is all about…maybe you are being prepared for a better life without me. Maybe it’s me that’s being prepared for a life without you.  Who knows?

I love who I have become with you. Maybe thats why I want to hold on to you so badly.  Maybe I tried to hold on to you so much so that I would do anything for you, which is why you don’t respect my presence. And maybe the crazy shit that you say I’m making up, is the universe telling me its time to let you go. As sad as it may be, as hurtful as this may be, I’m still so grateful for you.

I’ve found my value. I dont hate you, I just know that we want two different things.  I can’t give you what you want and you can’t give me what I want. Even though I want to so badly. Its just the energy is not recuperated. Eventually, all we will do is break one another down.  Like we haven’t done that already enough.  You know I tried to cry about it? I couldn’t find the tears. You know I wanted to fight about it? I just couldn’t find the strength. I’m not sure where we are, and what we doing but its not a we thing. 

It’s me against everyone for you.  While I’m fighting everyone for you, you are fighting me in order to carry everyone except me. Your lovers, your family, your friends, strangers, anyone or anything else… except me. I’ve made a complete mess of my life, while piecing together yours. I fight for you,  you let everyone fight me, while you fight me for fighting back against your team.  That just shows how you see me. In retrospect…Thats the most hurtful part.  We are already fighting everyone to be together. I feel like I’m fighting the world for you, but you are leaving me to hang high and dry.

You think it’s all about money, but I am not for sale.  It will not make me stay.   I have my own great future ahead.  Even my present is beautiful.  This journey is so humbling.  I thought we were building our future.   I feel I am on my own. You can say I’m using you to get by, but the reality is, I want nothing from you but for you to be you. I also , when needed, need you to be there for me. I’m tired of being strong all the t I me. Ask me how my day was. Bring me flowers sometimes, rub my feet when they are aching, call me just to say you were thinking about me. Am I asking for too much…? 

I know you may be wondering what I will do right?  Shidd, I will cook, clean, talk to you when you need, surprise you with gifts, make homeade cards, anything you want me to do. And when you treat me like I’m important, give me what I need, I will bless you in more ways than one. You know what I am willing to do for you.  Maybe that’s just it…maybe I’m doing too much based on a possibility or is it your potential?  A possibility that you have the potential to be the man for me. What of you aren’t the man for me?  What if you are?  You see the confusion? 

I relaize that I’m the stupid person in this situation.  I was  preparing for the future.  You are my future.  You are all that I see….I stopped looking. My search is over.  You are it. Why is it so difficult to love me?  I know these words don’t matter. Probably never did. Now our worlds are too far apart. I really do wish you find the perfect woman for you.

I thought it was me but now I see. I’m just another notch under your belt.  I’m not going to send this. I know I just wasted my time.  I guess I needed closure for myself. No more you and me. Its just you. Its just me.  We just can’t be.  Not like this.  I just cant run the risk of letting my guard down, only for you to take a piss on my everything.  Because its apparent you don’t care about my feelings. Maybe you do, just not in the way I need from you. I’m just a servant of yours. I serve you while you serve everyone but me.  Not as a true queen, just someone you can go in between, but have no respect for. Who can blame you though… I had no respect for myself. In return, I opened the door for the disrespect from others. Life is already hard enough.

Yet, here I am with another paragraph of nothing more than me putting my feelings in the air. Will you listen? This time? Or will you find a way to throw it back at me to excuse your behavior. I know you don’t care because nothing changes, except me. I change. I adjust. I shut down how I feel to acknowledge your feelings. I even rationalize your behavior, finding excuses to keep you around. Only you matter. I forget.

I know I’m just another notch under your belt.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to send this. I know I just wasted my time.  I guess I needed closure for myself. I guess we will find each other next lifetime.

Gurl WTF?! Is You Doing?

That’s what I find myself saying all day, especially recently. I’m not sure if it’s the quarantine, or if I have opened myself up to a world I was closed off to. I just know that I am constantly scratching my head with all these questions about the reality I see. Which is even more confusing.

I’ve seen army military commercials recruiting for an alien invasion…we are quarantined due to corona virus. People are testing positive for a 14-day incubation virus overnight, schools are closed, small minority businesses have been shut down. Its fires everywhere, storms brewing and flooding in many areas, volcanos erupting, earthquakes, Kobe died, even Boosie and Webbie beefing.  We are wearing mask in banks.  Like WTF?!? Is going on? I mean I know it’s not just me right?

To add to the craziness of the world, all the craziness that’s going on in my noggin. What career path to take, homeschooling is a job, being a housewife is a job, having a family, co parenting, parenting are all jobs I need to add to my resume. My brain is on overload trying to decipher when to worry and when not to worry. When to react when not to react.

My life was just passing me by because I had given my power away.  I was letting everyone live my life for me.  I was letting everyone else make decisions for me. I would allow this just to avoid conflict, and also I was a people pleaser.  Not because I was afraid of anyone, but because most of the time I live in my head.  I’m constantly rationalizing every action, or reaction I should make. When people are rude and disrespectful, in my head I’ve already killed you. But I really have to fight those demon thoughts and emotions so I smile and don’t say anything and keep it moving.  What if I do kill you or you kill me? Two lives lost for nothing, well for respect.  That’s why its important to be kind to people that is nice and smiling.  Those people carry a lot to be that way.  You never know what’s behind that smile.  I know if I allowed you to disrespect me in the past, just consider yourself lucky….it’ll never happen again.   I’m older, more wise, over the people pleasing, and caring what people think.  Most of all I have bail money.

My universe is on fire and I am the one with the flames…

Learning ,well actually, relearning everything I was taught while teaching my kids all I know is the most conflicting time because I am fighting to release the old while being open, grateful, and receptive to the new. 

Everything is in flames because I set the fire. I had to let go of my old child-like ways of thinking and rebuild my whole world.  That’s what life will do to you.  A mental, physical, and spiritual kind of burn.  What started as journey for the truth, turned into a journey of self discovery. I’ll admit, it is not what I have expected. At all. It has not been a beautiful, colorful world of butterflies, sunshine, rainbows and flowers. In fact, it has been the complete opposite of what I envisioned. Healing is a hell of a process.  I found myself crying more than ever and not just in private. Its actually kind of embarrassing. Its almost like I turned into a newborn.  My old self was dying, but my new self wasn’t fully formed. Man I was all over the place…I truly needed  guidance. But I was alone because the journey is mine.

Right now I’m just moving…

See, I saw my end result. I thought it was a promotion at work (that I didn’t get by the way) but I didn’t realize it was a far bigger plan to interpret.  Still is! I was solely focused on the end result that I forgot to live in the moment and enjoy the process. I woke up one day like gurl WTF?!? Is you doing?

Needless to say, I left that job and got another and another only to put my all into it. It just didn’t produce enough for me. You know, enough zero’s on the ends of my checks, enough individual/couple/kid/family vacations, enough investment lands, enough stocks, just land in general. I was putting all of my energy into jobs for a paycheck, just to pay it all back in bills, taxes, and school. It’s like working for free for real. I didn’t realize that the work I have to do is more personal. 

Right now I am transforming…

I am healing from my past trauma.  I realize that I am my own worst enemy.  So please bare with me as I open and unload these bags.   I’m tired of carrying all of these emotions, feelings, and trauma.  It’s weighing me down.  Its also crazy to spill all my feelings out in the air. But what else am I supposed to do? Miss my bus? Wait for someone to save me? 

Corona has taught me a lot. Its time I take my life back from everyone and everything that devalues, disrespects, degrades, and distracts me from my true purpose and calling.  I’m done with the old facets of who I was.  I’m embracing who I am.  I’m finding my voice. I’m listening to my intuition. I’m living to the beat of my own drum. My life is for me not anyone else. 

Welcome

The greatest thing in the world is living a happy and fulfilled life, but the even greater gift is being able to share that great gift with many people to bring change in myself. Especially now, in this confusing time that I am living through. The world is changing around me. And I can admit, I am pretty scared. Not of the world, but of myself. To see the path that has been laid in front of me, to envision me completing all of the goals I have set for myself  is pretty daunting. I have a pretty high bar for myself, and now I am paralyzed.  I haven’t felt so much fear about anything. Fear is my worst demon next to sex. Because not only do it stay there and create other fears, it prevents me from doing the work that I am required to do, and I am robbing myself of the future that I am destined for. I have realized that I am my own worst enemy.

I would pick up my notebook to write, but find myself distracting myself not do it. I can say it’s my family, or my job, but the reality is, it is always been me stopping me. And what am I so afraid of? Failure? People’s opinions? Success? I don’t even know. Maybe its all of those. It’s just crazy that I am afraid to do what has always been in me. Knowing it is my passion. Maybe I really just want to sit here and complain about my life, my circumstances, and blame the world for my issues because of my lack of discipline. Or my own laziness. Maybe I wanted to remain homeless. Maybe I wanted to remain jobless. Maybe I wanted to remain in a mediocre relationship because the idea of me finding someone that loves as hard as me is a fairytale. Or maybe I don’t deserve happiness in this world. Or maybe I do. Maybe I do deserve the best. I am not scum. Why do I settle for it in life? As I work to capture audiences, I want to do it honestly. I don’t want to pretend to be something that I am not to get the audience. I can’t keep up with the facades.  I don’t want to sell my soul for this world. I actually want to get back to the original Creator of this world. I want to be as honest as possible with my words and stories because words are powerful. They can be either be  powerful blessings or powerful curses. And I personally believe that the dishonest words in our history has created many curses. So if I could use my words to create powerful blessings for myself and the people around me, I will. The only way that I can create good in the world without compromising my or anyone who reads my words’ soul is to be honest. I have to be honest with self first. So here I am. Being honest with myself for the first time.

As I work to remove those old facets of self, I am constantly fighting this demon of value. Placing the value of myself based on the way other people see and treat me and in return I treat myself accordingly.q Like what is my value? Outside of my roles as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, niece, etc, how do I find my value?  Is it placed on my job? Or is it the kind of car I drive? Or how much money I am making?  Can I just be valuable for me?  Without all these worldly possessions?  Why do these clothes and shoes dictate my value and why does that value dictate how much respect is to be given?  

These are some of the burning questions I have that I just can’t shake.   Read, learn, and grow with me. As I share my journey with me, I will share my journey with you. As we become one on this journey. Destination: Freedom…Free from fear, free from perfection, from free masks, free from illusions and freedom from lies.  A free mind, a free body, and a free soul. Live in nature. Glow in love. Wallow in laughter. Sleep in peace. Welcome to the crazy magical world of SB Neik!

Reflection

If I could have a chance to give my younger self some advice, it would be to…to listen…listen to all the advice that everyone try to give you with good intentions. No matter how small or insignificant it may seem due to your lack of understanding of the world, listen. Because it will make sense one day.

Always listen to your intuition because most of the time your were right all along. Don’t dwell on your mistakes too long. Don’t be so judgmental of others. No one is perfect.

People will come and go. When it’s time for them to go, let them be. Don’t waste your body, mind, and tears on people that don’t see your value. By the time they see it, it will be too late.

Your family loves you. You are very important and special to them. Your mother is the best person in the world! Be grateful and appreciative to her forever. Love your city (don’t leave it until you know who you are). The world is the same wherever you go. At least stay in a place that’s full of love!! Stop chasing that man, he left you for a reason. Let your mama enjoy the happy times. She been through a lot and gave up a lot to raise y’all. You are not going to do anything differently than your mama. Learn as much of your own history before you leave home. Don’t let anyone disrespect you or your history. Some cans are better left closed.

Be grateful for all that life provides you.

God is real just not how you learned it.

Spend a lot of time outside. As much as you can. Listen more. Stop being so afraid. Try not to be so sad. Stop being so upset for other people’s concern. Laugh more. Learn who you are before you share yourself with anyone.

Take care of your finances first.

Always tell the truth. Learn the definition of fragile. Realize how expensive you are. Treat yourself like you are the most expensive thing in the world.

Learn to cook early. Pay attention to those recipes from your childhood. Offer to help in the kitchen. Always be grateful for everything. Nothing last forever. Pay attention in school. Ask questions. Be grateful for your family. You only get one body. One set of teeth. Don’t rush to work. Enjoy life. Stay for prom and graduation. Finish college. Chase happiness and joy. Don’t chase money. Don’t chase love. Don’t chase sex. Workout. Never be number two at nothing!!! Always strive to be the best. Competition is a good. Never quit on yourself. Stop procrastinating. Don’t be afraid to be stingy with your time. Slow down. You are worthy. Attach yourself to goals!

If it’s easy question it. If it’s difficult question it. Don’t watch this porn. Let loose don’t be so uptight. Enjoy the simple things in life. If it don’t feel right don’t go along. If it don’t stand for what you stand for keep it moving. Love is a temporary feeling so is hate. Don’t give your power away.

Don’t allow others to make decisions for your life. Don’t listen to no ones promises, they are all lies. Dream big! Your dream is your dream. Stop trying to take everyone with you. If you can dream it, it can happen. You are the only one who can hold you back.

Never use people. Always be kind and respectful. Dance like no one is watching. Weed is not a drug. Don’t eat so much sugar. Turn off the tv. Stay off social media. Read everyday. Exercise everyday. Take care of yourself. No one will take care of you. Don’t keep loving people that always treat you bad. Don’t give your power away. Stop hesitating. Be confident. Kill fear, bury that trick.

Stop being so angry. Learn what love is. Love yourself first. Enjoy the moments the good and the bad ones. They will all teach you something.

Stop being so mean. Enjoy meeting different people. Love who you are. Ask all those questions in your head. You are not crazy. Don’t let that dwell in your thoughts. Always be confident. Stop seeking attention and validation from others. You know what’s best. Everyone shows love in different ways. Don’t overthink everything. Always follow your first mind. Be yourself always. Appreciate your family. Be grateful for all of the skills you learn. Don’t be so hard on others. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Smile often. Laugh everyday. Workout. Don’t chase no one. Man, family, or friends. Be grateful for your friends and family. Everyone is fighting battles just like you. Travel often. Don’t be so hard on yourself about money. Fight procrastination. Don’t be so easily offended. Enjoy every moment. Be present for every moment.

Always live in the present. Remember to be grateful always. Figure out and chase your own dreams. Live in the present. Get as much sun as you can. Always stand up for yourself. Always stand up to what’s right. Sex is not love. Leave the liquor where it’s at. It’s poison. It’s okay to change and not be interested in the things you used to like. Keep your legs closed. Use that energy to love yourself. Most of the guys will hit it and quit it so always protect yourself.

I’m sure I’d say all that, but I’m also sure I might not listen lol. I’m sure at some point or another someone told me all of these things at one point or another in this life. It was me. I thought I had it all figured out you know. I though I had all the answers.

I now realize that I didn’t know and still don’t know anything at all. Life is a slow journey. Not a quick destination. I been running fast for a long time. Now that I have slowed down, I realize that I was just running, moving, unconsciously. I realize that the things I was running to get was actually already mine. If I had just enjoyed life, I would’ve still received all that was mine. I was rushing, wanting everything now. Not realizing rushing is what caused most of my misery.

Drink plenty of water. Never cut your hair. Learn to polish your nails. Love your history. Don’t attach love to other people or lack there of. Having babies will not keep a relationship. When people want to leave, let them. Wait as long as possible to share yourself. Enjoy the simple things. Always be you. They lied when they said being peaceful and quiet will bring peace. Speak those words that’s in your heart. Stay chill but don’t let people walk over you for the sake of keeping the peace. It will not bring you peace at all. Never let nobody sweep your feet. It’s a sign of disrepspect. You are not a floor mat. Always keep your house clean. Always keep a meal cooked. Always keep something sweet cooked.

I realize I was rushing to get to things that I wasn’t ready for. Things I really didn’t know what to do with. Like a job in high school to get money, a man to love me because I didn’t love myself, and kids that I thought was oh so easy to raise. All things of which I have learned is not easy and it takes a real mature person to be able to handle all of those flawless because that is not me lol. I don’t have it all together. I am all over the place. But I love it. It may be crazy to others, but it is perfectly okay to me. And that has been my biggest lesson. To be okay with me.

I am changing daily how I am doing those things because everyday brings a new experience of life. I can have an experience in one day that can make me change something that I have been doing my whole life. Because each day provides a chance to grow, learn, and live. All things that I have been taking for granted. The one thing I never thought I would do.

I find myself wanting those things more and more. My ultimate goal is peace. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. So if my younger self don’t listen to that advice, I still have a chance to live that way now and take my own advice. It’s never too late to live a different life especially if I have all that I need.

Be grateful, love hard, learn daily, and practice mindfulness 😘. Until next time. Here is my song of the day!! Big K.R.I.T. Drinking Sessions.