Hey I miss you…but I know nothing will change. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore…you have enough women in your life that I don’t want to compete with…not anymore. Especially since you talk to me and treat me like an option.
How could you worry about this relationship when you are in 2 or three others? That’s the best part of having options right? I really thought we were finding a partner for the both of us, but its just really you keeping your lovers while I be loyal to you. While I serve you. I’m here thirsty…thirsty for your love, thirsty for your attention, thirsty for your approval.
I know you can find better. I know you have better. Maybe that’s what this is all about…maybe you are being prepared for a better life without me. Maybe it’s me that’s being prepared for a life without you. Who knows?
I love who I have become with you. Maybe thats why I want to hold on to you so badly. Maybe I tried to hold on to you so much so that I would do anything for you, which is why you don’t respect my presence. And maybe the crazy shit that you say I’m making up, is the universe telling me its time to let you go. As sad as it may be, as hurtful as this may be, I’m still so grateful for you.
I’ve found my value. I dont hate you, I just know that we want two different things. I can’t give you what you want and you can’t give me what I want. Even though I want to so badly. Its just the energy is not recuperated. Eventually, all we will do is break one another down. Like we haven’t done that already enough. You know I tried to cry about it? I couldn’t find the tears. You know I wanted to fight about it? I just couldn’t find the strength. I’m not sure where we are, and what we doing but its not a we thing.
It’s me against everyone for you. While I’m fighting everyone for you, you are fighting me in order to carry everyone except me. Your lovers, your family, your friends, strangers, anyone or anything else… except me. I’ve made a complete mess of my life, while piecing together yours. I fight for you, you let everyone fight me, while you fight me for fighting back against your team. That just shows how you see me. In retrospect…Thats the most hurtful part. We are already fighting everyone to be together. I feel like I’m fighting the world for you, but you are leaving me to hang high and dry.
You think it’s all about money, but I am not for sale. It will not make me stay. I have my own great future ahead. Even my present is beautiful. This journey is so humbling. I thought we were building our future. I feel I am on my own. You can say I’m using you to get by, but the reality is, I want nothing from you but for you to be you. I also , when needed, need you to be there for me. I’m tired of being strong all the t I me. Ask me how my day was. Bring me flowers sometimes, rub my feet when they are aching, call me just to say you were thinking about me. Am I asking for too much…?
I know you may be wondering what I will do right? Shidd, I will cook, clean, talk to you when you need, surprise you with gifts, make homeade cards, anything you want me to do. And when you treat me like I’m important, give me what I need, I will bless you in more ways than one. You know what I am willing to do for you. Maybe that’s just it…maybe I’m doing too much based on a possibility or is it your potential? A possibility that you have the potential to be the man for me. What of you aren’t the man for me? What if you are? You see the confusion?
I relaize that I’m the stupid person in this situation. I was preparing for the future. You are my future. You are all that I see….I stopped looking. My search is over. You are it. Why is it so difficult to love me? I know these words don’t matter. Probably never did. Now our worlds are too far apart. I really do wish you find the perfect woman for you.
I thought it was me but now I see. I’m just another notch under your belt. I’m not going to send this. I know I just wasted my time. I guess I needed closure for myself. No more you and me. Its just you. Its just me. We just can’t be. Not like this. I just cant run the risk of letting my guard down, only for you to take a piss on my everything. Because its apparent you don’t care about my feelings. Maybe you do, just not in the way I need from you. I’m just a servant of yours. I serve you while you serve everyone but me. Not as a true queen, just someone you can go in between, but have no respect for. Who can blame you though… I had no respect for myself. In return, I opened the door for the disrespect from others. Life is already hard enough.
Yet, here I am with another paragraph of nothing more than me putting my feelings in the air. Will you listen? This time? Or will you find a way to throw it back at me to excuse your behavior. I know you don’t care because nothing changes, except me. I change. I adjust. I shut down how I feel to acknowledge your feelings. I even rationalize your behavior, finding excuses to keep you around. Only you matter. I forget.
I know I’m just another notch under your belt. Don’t worry, I’m not going to send this. I know I just wasted my time. I guess I needed closure for myself. I guess we will find each other next lifetime.